In this moment, with tears in my eyes, my mind is taking me on a thought journey . . . I am feeling very contemplative . . . I'm thinking about life, love, my writing journey, my Mom, the way the world is right now . . . And the meaning of it all. Missing my Mom SOOOO MUCH, as this is the month that brings up all the vivid memories of her last days, and wishing so much that she was here right now.
Wondering if I'll ever get to experience the kind of love my parents had before I take my last breath on this corporeal plane. Watching the way my father cared for my mother in those last days was an example of love that rivals that in any movie or television show I have seen, or book I have read. In addition to all of the fairytale-reading and "Rom-Com"-watching, that is a huge reason why my idea of what love should look like is what it is.
Never had much luck with matters of the heart. Even though I live with my heart wide open (and ALWAYS have since I was a young girl), no guy I cared for has ever felt I was worth the fight. Worth the effort. Honestly, it sorta breaks my heart because I have so much love that I want to share. I have longed for somebody to share the deepest corners of my heart with, but I've come to accept it may just not be in the cards for me. Not everyone gets to experience the depths of love showcased in all of the movies, television shows, and books, and in my case, the example of my parents. Not everyone gets the fairytale.
Most days I feel SO forgettable.
I guess you could say it's one of my "core wounds." I've been walked away from so many times, that I fear I don't matter to those who matter so much to me. It's a battle I struggle with daily.
Which brings me to my writing dream . . . I continue to work diligently in silence, writing stories, pouring my heart on the page . . . Wondering . . . Hoping . . . That I'll at least get to experience THAT fairytale dream. I want SOOOO MUCH to be the kind of writer who when people hear my name, they smile. The kind of writer who is sought after, praised for my talent, but also my character and who I am as a human being. I want to be a good human who has love and compassion. Someone that people like having in their lives. I want to be the kind of writer whose stories lift others up, encourage others, and give others hope. I want so much to make a difference in the world through my writing, but as the days tick on, I sometimes wonder if I'll ever get to experience THAT fairytale either.
This writing dream is EVERYTHING to me. I want it more than I can (ironically) even express in words. I have poured my heart into this dream for years. I try to stay hopeful, and keep moving forward, but some days are more difficult than others to maintain a positive frame of mind. Nevertheless, I press on.
What else am I supposed to do?
Sean Astin's character in the film "Rudy" sums it up best . . . "Having dreams is what makes this life tolerable."
In a world filled with so much hate and anger, I want my stories to be a light in the darkness. I want to be a beacon of hope in a world filled with so much hopelessness.
Tonight my heart opened up, and the words poured out . . .
^Unicorn^ Hugs . . . 🦄💜💜🦄
