THE MOST IMPORTANT LESSON

Have you learned it yet? 🤔🤔

Have you learned THE MOST IMPORTANT LESSON IN LIFE?

If you haven't learned it during 2020—a year that SHOULD HAVE PUT EVERYTHING IN PERSPECTIVE, and made what's really important in life more clear—you'll probably never learn it.

Life is often shorter than we expect it to be. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. In fact, each moment after our last breath isn't guaranteed. Unexpected, unplanned events lurk around every corner.

As we've learned this year, it's the PEOPLE in our lives who matter most—not fancy belongings, or even our dream job.

Working eighty-plus hour weeks IS NOT what life is about. It's the moments spent laughing about nothing with the person (or people) who accept you unconditionally . . . Watching the sunset (or sunrise) with someone you love . . . Dancing under the stars on a moonlit night with the love of your life . . . Watching the latest flick in your local theater with good friends . . . Sharing stories over pizza and pop . . .

It is these precious moments that are what make life worthwhile . . . That make life meaningful . . .

Does winning an award mean the same if there isn't someone there to share in our accomplishment? Is having our dream job as fulfilling if all of our nights (or days) are spent alone? In case you're not sure, the answer is no to both of those questions.

Time is the one thing we can NEVER get back. EVER. Money comes-and-goes . . . Jobs come-and-go (as many have certainly experienced this year) . . . Of course, most people need some sort of an income, however, that doesn't mean it should be at the expense of living a life that really matters. If you're creative enough, you can figure out how to make money, while still making time for your loved ones and living a life that you'll be proud to look back on when you are taking your last breath . . . ⏳⏳

Once time is gone . . . It's gone. How we spend our time is something we should be MORE INTENTIONAL about.

ALWAYS make time for making memories with loved ones. ALWAYS make time to open your heart and let others in. ALWAYS make time to REALLY LIVE a fulfilling, fun, fabulous life.

On our deathbeds we aren't going to wish that we worked more hours . . . Or ran more errands . . . Or did more chores . . . We really won't.

We'll wish we spent more time with the people we cared about . . .

Asked out that person we were scared to . . .

Opened our heart . . .

Traveled more . . .

Loved more . . .

Lived more . . .

For whatever reason lately, I seem to be watching a lot of doctor-themed shows. A running theme always seems to be about individuals wishing they had "MORE TIME" with their loved ones . . . Wishing there was "MORE TIME" to spend together and make memories . . . Just a little "MORE TIME" . . .

We weren't meant to go through life alone.

Really . . .

What's the point of anything in life if we don't have people we care about to share it with?

So . . . Have you learned it? 🤔🤔

Have you learned what's REALLY important in life?

I hope so . . . Before it's too late.

💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗

"THE BACHELORETTE," "MY TRUTH," AND THE STRUGGLE TO STAY A "HOPEFUL ROMANTIC"

REAL TALK:

After watching the season finale of "The Bachelorette," I'm feeling a smidge "chatty" and feel like sharing a little bit of my truth . . . 💗😊

Over the years I've had to fight the urge to become cynical when it comes to the topic of love, because in "My Story" no guy has ever made me feel like I am worth fighting for. 

And . . . Goodness, part of me hates to admit it, but that's all I've ever wanted since I was like fourteen-years-old . . . I've longed for the desire of my affection to return those feelings and fight to keep me in his life. Even if it's difficult, or complicated . . .

I'm finally beginning to see and understand my own value and worth, however, I have also longed for (and intensely hoped) that someone else would see it as well. If I'm being truly, truly honest . . . I probably wouldn't even know what to do if someone I wanted ACTUALLY wanted me back. I've become so used to guys just walking away, or saying that I am "too much" or "not enough" for them (and that has become "My Story"), that I don't even know what I would do if someone I wanted chose to NOT walk away for once, and DID actually want me back.

I'm the type of girl who wears her heart on her sleeve. Figuratively speaking, but literally as well. I have a small mole on the back of my arm (right around the area where the sleeve of a T-shirt would end) that looks like a heart (it does to me, anyway). 

My heart is BIG. I can't help but love. I don't open my heart to many people in general, but especially not to many guys. So, if I do, it means something. It means a lot, actually . . . 💗💗

Whenever I'm watching a show like "The Bachelorette," or "The Bachelor," or a television show, or film, and there is a "swoon-worthy" moment showing two people finding each other and expressing their love, I just can't help but get caught up in the moment and the emotion and daydream about experiencing that kind of love in my own life—no matter how hard I try to fight it. For that mere moment, all the cynicism washes away and I am once again a "hopeful romantic." I just can't shake it no matter how much I try.

Sometimes I want to be all dark and twisty when it comes to love, but the truth is . . . That cynicism is just covering up the hurt and suffering I've felt from all the rejection. I truly prefer being the "hopeful romantic" full of optimism and believing in ✨ mAgiC ✨ . . . It's just that sometimes, the loneliness weighs heavy on my heart. In the end, that wide-eyed "hopeful" nature tends to win out, however, I must confess that as the days, months, and years tick on, it does become a touch difficult to believe that a "great love" is part of "My Story." 

Not everyone gets the "Fairytale Happily Ever After" ending—no matter how much you long for it. Sometimes you have to create your own "Happily Ever After"—and that doesn't always include someone else to share it with . . . 💗💗

BIRTHDAY BLUES

Every year around this time, I get a bit contemplative . . . 🤔🧠

With another new year around the corner and my 🦄🎂 BiRtHdAy 🎂🦄 in less than a month (January 4th), anxieties begin to surge and an intermittent existential crisis devours me . . .

I struggle with not being where I want to be yet in life—that my ideal "dream" has yet to manifest; I fear being forgettable and stress about who will forget me when my BiRtHdAy rolls around, being disappointed when I don't hear from those I am hoping to hear from; and I struggle with the desire to do something fUn on my BiRtHdAy, but not having anyone to share it with—and now with the pandemic, that seems even less possible than usual . . .

It's a day where I just want to feel like I matter (especially to certain people who matter to me), and always struggle with whether I do or not . . .

SO WISHING I could just turn my brain off and not hold so much weight regarding my BiRtHdAy, but it is STILL the one day of the year that I haven't been able to release from my mental grasp . . . 😕😢

LONGING TO LOVE

REAL TALK:

I have spent most (if not ALL) of my life trying to embrace and understand my worth, especially when it comes to guys. I have either "never felt good enough," or "felt like I was too much."

It's been a heartbreaking journey.

Especially because I keep getting "walked away from" as soon as I bravely open my heart and become vulnerable. 

It has sent me "back into my shell" more times than I can count. 

I am a strong, independent woman with goals and dreams, and at the same time, all I have ever wanted since I was fourteen-years-old is to be "someone's girl" . . . To love someone with my WHOLE HEART, and experience that love in return. 

Embarrassingly, I have allowed myself to accept crumbs or scraps when I have liked someone because my heart cared too much. My big, open, loving heart, cared and just wanted to make "him" feel like "he" mattered. 

The sad thing is that I have always been willing to "fight" for whomever my heart longed for, but no guy I have cared for has ever been willing to "fight" for me. None ("up until now" . . . I'm doing some SERIOUS self-work these days and learning to add this phrase to my vocabulary . . .) have ever made me feel like I was a priority or "worth the fight." It was always just easier for them to walk away. 

The story I have been telling myself all these years is that I am worthless, forgettable, unlovable, not good enough. 

I am trying to shed those beliefs. 

My heart knows these aren't true assessments, however, my mind is searching for some answer as to why they keep walking away and understand why having me in their life isn't "worth the fight." 

I am beginning to realize that someone walking away from me doesn't lessen my worth. Sure, it hurts. A LOT. But, my worth isn't tied to some guy's choice to walk away. Or, even a friend, for that matter.

I know the immense love I have to offer. And that is ALL that truly matters.

I know my worth. I know my heart. I know the depths of love I have to share.

I am a 🦄 ^Unicorn^ 🦄 . . .

I AM A F*CKING 🦄 ^Unicorn^ 🦄!!!!

And . . . Who doesn't want a 🦄 ^Unicorn^ 🦄????!!!! 🤣🤣

WHY WOMEN LOVE "ROM-COMS"

The reason women love "Rom-Coms" so much (as cheesy and unrealistic as they can be sometimes), is because they show us that the object of our affection and desire ALWAYS ALWAYS believes we are worth the risk, worth fighting for, and is willing to make sacrifices because they know their life would be better with us in it, than without. That the thought of going forward with their life without us is unfathomable. Entertaining that idea may be a romantic notion, however, it is holding on to this hopeful possibility that makes life worth living.

They may be fairytales of sorts, but "Rom-Coms" help keep the hope alive in our hearts that it's possible someone could ACTUALLY love us unconditionally and with their whole heart, and be willing to do whatever it takes to have us in their life.

When it comes to matters of the heart, that's really all most women want—to know that someone finds us SO special, SO amazing, SO internally (and externally) beautiful, SO fascinating, SO intriguing . . . That we are WORTH FIGHTING FOR—and not letting go of—because life without us would be far less meaningful and exciting . . . 💗🥰

There's nothing more heartbreaking than waiting and hoping you'll get a text or phone call from that special guy you dream of sharing your heart with. "Rom-Coms" provide the hope that maybe, just maybe, us non-fiction girls can have that fairytale ending too.

(The other great thing about "Rom-Coms" is that they ALWAYS have amazing soundtracks with such romantic songs . . . 🎶💞)

MY DARK DAY

Eight years ago TODAY I was initiated into a "Club" I didn't choose to be a part of . . .

Eight years ago TODAY my life was forever changed . . .

Eight years ago TODAY my heart shattered into a million little pieces and I have been trying to piece myself back together and find my way again . . .

Eight years ago TODAY . . .

Missing my Mom SOOOO MUCH . . .

TODAY is my least favorite day of the year . . . 😢😢

At this time eight years ago I was frozen and in shock, unsure how to move forward, afraid to let go.

Everything felt surreal.

I was stuck in a dream state waiting to wake up.

I'm STILL WAITING to wake up from this nightmare . . . 💔😢

BECOMING A "MOTHERLESS DAUGHTER"

June is STILL my least favorite month of the year . . .

It was EIGHT YEARS ago THIS MONTH that I realized I was going to become a "Motherless Daughter."

Actually . . .

I was in denial about it.

And then it happened.

And then I was forced to pick up the broken pieces of my heart and spirit, sort through all my emotions, and try to make sense of this "new normal" I was being asked to embrace.

I'm STILL trying to piece back together the broken bits of my heart and spirit . . . 

I'm STILL trying to sort through everything I feel . . . 

And this "new normal?" 

I don't like it very much and I'm STILL ANGRY about it, but I'm trying my best to accept this altered reality and work on becoming the kind of woman—and creating the kind of life—that my Mom would be proud of . . . 💗😢

A THOUGHT JOURNEY

In this moment, with tears in my eyes, my mind is taking me on a thought journey . . . I am feeling very contemplative . . . I'm thinking about life, love, my writing journey, my Mom, the way the world is right now . . . And the meaning of it all. Missing my Mom SOOOO MUCH, as this is the month that brings up all the vivid memories of her last days, and wishing so much that she was here right now.

Wondering if I'll ever get to experience the kind of love my parents had before I take my last breath on this corporeal plane. Watching the way my father cared for my mother in those last days was an example of love that rivals that in any movie or television show I have seen, or book I have read. In addition to all of the fairytale-reading and "Rom-Com"-watching, that is a huge reason why my idea of what love should look like is what it is.

Never had much luck with matters of the heart. Even though I live with my heart wide open (and ALWAYS have since I was a young girl), no guy I cared for has ever felt I was worth the fight. Worth the effort. Honestly, it sorta breaks my heart because I have so much love that I want to share. I have longed for somebody to share the deepest corners of my heart with, but I've come to accept it may just not be in the cards for me. Not everyone gets to experience the depths of love showcased in all of the movies, television shows, and books, and in my case, the example of my parents. Not everyone gets the fairytale.

Most days I feel SO forgettable.

I guess you could say it's one of my "core wounds." I've been walked away from so many times, that I fear I don't matter to those who matter so much to me. It's a battle I struggle with daily.

Which brings me to my writing dream . . . I continue to work diligently in silence, writing stories, pouring my heart on the page . . . Wondering . . . Hoping . . . That I'll at least get to experience THAT fairytale dream. I want SOOOO MUCH to be the kind of writer who when people hear my name, they smile. The kind of writer who is sought after, praised for my talent, but also my character and who I am as a human being. I want to be a good human who has love and compassion. Someone that people like having in their lives. I want to be the kind of writer whose stories lift others up, encourage others, and give others hope. I want so much to make a difference in the world through my writing, but as the days tick on, I sometimes wonder if I'll ever get to experience THAT fairytale either.

This writing dream is EVERYTHING to me. I want it more than I can (ironically) even express in words. I have poured my heart into this dream for years. I try to stay hopeful, and keep moving forward, but some days are more difficult than others to maintain a positive frame of mind. Nevertheless, I press on. 

What else am I supposed to do?

Sean Astin's character in the film "Rudy" sums it up best . . . "Having dreams is what makes this life tolerable."

In a world filled with so much hate and anger, I want my stories to be a light in the darkness. I want to be a beacon of hope in a world filled with so much hopelessness.

Tonight my heart opened up, and the words poured out . . . 

^Unicorn^ Hugs . . . 🦄💜💜🦄